Is it time to take a long hard look at yourself?

Against the Breeze
By Paddy Heaney

First Published 06/01/09

HAS the GAA taken over your life? Does your husband spend several nights a week knocking on strangers’ doors, asking them to buy tickets? Does your daughter fancy Pat Spillane? If so, you, or a member of your family, might have a problem.

While the booze and gambling are the nation’s most publicised addictions, the GAA has become the hidden drug.
It’s the scourge that no-one wants to speak about.
But once again, Against The Breeze is prepared to break the silence on the private misery inflicted on those who are drowning in a tsunami wave of committee meetings, lotto tickets, bibs, balls, coaching forums, dinner dances, discussion boards and more.
The survey below has been designed to assess the extent of your obsession with Cumann Luthchleas Gael. Read the questions, answer them honestly, and then discover the extent of your addiction. And remember, denial is the first obstacle to recovery.

1) It’s a Sunday night. You are on the armchair waiting for the start of The Sunday Game. When the theme tune starts, you...
A) ‘Sing’ along enthusiastically and occasionally punch the air with euphoria. The music gives you a great sense of elation. It moves through your very fibre, providing you with a sense of warmth and belonging.
B) Enjoy the tune, and occasionally tap your toe. You experience a tingle of excitement about what lies in store.
C) Are not sure what the theme tune sounds like.

2) A close relation has just had a baby boy. You are asked to suggest some names. When mulling over options, you...
A) Consider how the name will sound when roared at full volume from a terrace, eg. GO ON FINBARR THE BOY-YA.
B) Toy with the names of some of the past and present greats of the game, eg. Jacko, Micko, Ant’nay, Willie Joe, Jimmy Barry, Plunkett, and Sambo.
C) Only think about options that suit the family’s surname.

3) You are at a big county Championship game. The band is playing the National Anthem. As the tune approaches the dip before the final crescendo, you...
A) Get overcome by excitement and let out an almighty gowl that makes no real sense.
B) Wait until the first gulpin has let a gulder out of him, then join the chorus of shouts.
C) Clap politely when the band has finished playing before politely taking your seat.

4) You are at a wedding reception. On your left is a lady who knows absolutely nothing about the GAA. You...
A) Ignore her completely and talk to the person on your right.
B) Talk to her about the GAA anyway.
C) Strike up a conversation with her about a shared interest.

5) Which statement best describes your dress behaviour in relation to GAA clothing?
A) My entire wardrobe consists of football jerseys and tracksuits which I wear to all functions including wakes, masses, and dates.
B) I really should know better, but I still squeeze into a county jersey when I go to watch Championship games.
C) I don’t wear GAA apparel, but I would buy a coloured braid on match-days.

6) Your county team has just been beaten in a close Championship game. You are incensed by a refereeing decision which had a mammoth bearing on the final result. You...
A) Practically chew the headrest to pieces while delivering a frenzied rant on the journey home. On your return, you huff and refuse to watch The Sunday Game, but instead post a lengthy rant on a GAA message board.
B) Experience a seething anger but refuse to allow emotion to dictate your behaviour
C) Forget about it all over a few post-match convivial pints.

7) When looking for a future spouse, which factors would be foremost in your mind?
A) The footballing pedigree of the family bloodline that you seek to join in holy matrimony.
B) How their physical and mental attributes are suited to playing the game, e.g. hand/eye coordination, supple, determined.
C) Attractive, nice bum, well-mannered.

8) A very important Championship game clashes with a function that will celebrate the 25th wedding anniversary of your mother – and father-in-law. You...
A) Send your apologies.
B) Take your spouse out to dinner and try and arrange some type of accommodation that allows you to attend the game.
C) Do what you’re told.

9) When planning your holidays, the first thing you do is...
A) Check all possible GAA fixture clashes (You tend to go abroad in November).
B) Consult your partner/spouse.
C) Choose a date and destination that suits your work and your nearest and dearest.

10) How many of these statements do you understand?
1) She is dinner dance material;
2) Fergal is great with the women so when we go out to clubs he does the talking and I just feed off the breaking ball;
3) I’ve no money so I had to get a hand pass off my da.

A) All three
B) Two
C) One

Now Work Out Your Total.

Add up the number of times you chose each letter then see below to find out what the results say about you.

Mainly As: Chronic GAA Junkie
You are a hopeless case. Therapy offers no remedy. You have gone beyond curing and there is no chance of you being able to function properly in a normal society.

The good news is that we don’t live in a normal society and you are probably as carefree and satisfied as a member of Club Tyrone. The same, however, cannot be said for your long-suffering spouse, but then again, s/he is the least of your worries.

Mainly Bs: Limbo Addict
Caution must be your new watchword. You are like a man playing football on a frozen pitch. A severe injury could lie ahead. So far, you’ve been able to disguise your closet mania through a mixture of cunning and deceit. But you must be careful.
If you joined the wrong company, or fell prey to your innermost desires, then there is a strong possibility that you could soon find yourself selling tickets for a ‘Grand Draw’.

Mainly Cs: Abnormally Normal
What is wrong with you? Why are you even reading this column? Your problem is that you don’t have a problem. You are an emotionally stable and centred person and therefore make up a tiny portion of this country’s population. Not surprisingly, you often experience feelings of aching loneliness and isolation. You are probably spending too much time with your wife and children.

It’s high time you got more involved with the club. Coach a team. Sell a few tickets. Join a committee. It’s the only way.